Baby Scars
by nerdyminded
Summary: "This is not what it is, only baby scars." Remus and Sirius are both struggling with their own forms of addiction (self harm and casual sex, respectively). Can they overcome these "baby scars" and help each other along the road to recovery, or will they lose themselves along the way? Remus/Sirius (Wolfstar) angst fic. TRIGGER WARNING.


A pair of pale, gangly fingers busied themselves with a trembling race through tangled locks of unkept sable hair, though neither appeared to be in any sort of hurry. Besides, the tremors jolting through their bones caused them to grind together, so neither seemed particuarly able to reach its destination.

A sigh eased itself past frail, cracking lips that longed to be brushed by their counterpart but went on starving, and Remus Lupin removed his fingers from his toussled hair, curling them around the cold water knob.

He risked a glance into the mirror before his cupped palms splashed chilled water into the pallid face of a dying adolescent boy, then found himself wishing he hadn't. Remus averted his olive gaze to the sink, and he watched as the crimson spillings of his own mind were washed down the drain, as if they'd never existed outside of his veins. As soon as he was certain the crime scene he'd forged against his own wrists had been cleared, he hurriedly rinsed off the razorblade and tucked it away, back into the pocket of his waistband. He then lightly pinched the edges of his wrist, just to be sure that the wound had completely ceased its bleeding (to discover that, in fact, it had.) After clearing every last particle of evidence, he pulled his sleeve down over his scars, including the new addition, and surveyed himself in the mirror once more.

At least self-harm was relatively inconspicious, he mused to himself, the eternal optimist. _You always look on the bright side,_ Sirius' voice echoed in his mind. _I like that about you._ The memory alone of the latter statement caused a jolt to run through Remus' body, and he shook his head. "Shut up," he grumbled to no one in particular, then abandoned the loo.

"Oy, Moony!" An all-too-familiar voice called out from the Gryffindor common room, and a shift of his head confirmed that James was gesturing toward the unoccupied seat on the sofa. Not wanting to be impolite or spike up suspicions, Remus didn't protest.

Peter nodded at the boy as he eased himself onto the cushion, but didn't speak. Remus' brow furrowed, but he didn't question anything. Peter's business was his business-he didn't want anyone prying in on him, and so he would do the same, especially with friends.

"Well, you two are awfully talkative tonight." James chuckled at his own sarcasm, and Peter forced a half-smile, but neither moved or spoke after that. It was obvious that the boy was growing worried about his friends' near-silence, and so he asked, "What's up with you two?"

Peter sighed dramatically. "My _mother_ "-he said the word with the same exasperation as one regards a badly misbehaved dog-"claims that I've been 'consuming too much sugar' or something, and so she contacted Hogwarts and starting tomorrow, my plates are somehow going to be jinxed into refusing an over-abundance of sugary foods. It's madness, I tell you!"

James rolled his eyes. "Why didn't you just say so? I wouldn't mind sneaking you a few snacks. Besides, I've got the invisibility cloak, remember?"

"Oh. Right." A stupid grin cracked across Peter's face, and suddenly, everything about his mood had shifted. "Well, what about you, Moons? What's the matter with you?"

"Oh, um..." But Remus was spared the guilt of yet another lie to invent to his best mates as a jubilant redhead entered the doorway of the common room on the arm of none other than Conall Bridgeby, who was easily one of the most popular students in the sixth year. She giggled at something the Ravenclaw Seeker said and tugged on his arm, and he seemed to give in to whatever it was she wanted from him. After planting a firm kiss over her lips and not hesitating to conceal it from the various Gryffindor spectators, he left her alone, probably to return to his own dormitory.

Remus' gaze shifted to James, who was studying the redhead's every move, just as his two friends had anticipated; James Potter had been infatuated with Lily Evans for as long as anyone could remember.

A female Gryffindor called out Lily's name and motioned for her to approach her, and the two immersed themselves deep in conversation. James returned his attention to his mates, and no one spoke for a long moment. Then, Wormtail rose and stretched, announced he was headed to bed, and did just that.

After they were left alone, James turned to Remus and said, "Something's been off about you, Remus."

The boy winced as if the mere words had shattered something inside of him, and his Adam's apple bobbed once as he swallowed. "Tomorrow's the first night of the full moon," he grumbled. "I'm always like this."

James shook his head, toussling his hair even further than it already was. "No. It's different. I'm not trying to pry, but you're one of my best mates. I've been worrying about you. Tell me, Moony-"

But just then, Sirius charged into the room, nearly colliding with the sofa Remus occupied before collapsing onto it with a certain dramatic flair, kicking his legs onto the other boy's lap and leaning back on his crossed arms. Every muscle in Remus' body tensed, and he stared at Sirius as though he'd just claimed to be in love with Severus Snape.

"The bloody hell is the matter with you?!" He exclaimed, scooting away and into the arm of the couch in an effort to separate the two, to no avail.

Sirius' brow furrowed. "I could ask you the same question. Nothing's the matter with me."

"Then get off of me!" Remus attempted to shove his mate's legs off of his lap to no avail. Sirius just grinned.

"Mmm, not so strong now, are ya, Moons?"

Remus just scowled, crossing his arms across his chest. "Fine. I don't care, Sirius."

The other stared at him for a moment, baffled. Then, as a thought seemed to dawn on him: "Ah, time of the month for you, Reems. I keep forgetting."

"No. It's not that. I just don't feel like having you sprawled out on me as you go on and on about some new girl you've managed to drag into bed with you. It gets old." He shook his head. "I mean, blimey, you talk to them as though they matter to you or something, then you go on and just...screw things up. What if one of them were to fall in love with you? What then, Padfoot? Would you even care, or would you just toss their heart aside?"

Sirius fell uncomfortably silent, staring at his fingers with some newfound fascination.

Remus just shook his head, shoving the other boy's legs off of him. "I'm going to sleep. I'm just exhausted from everything. I'll see you tomorrow night."

Then without another word, he climbed the staircase to the boy's dormitory and slammed the door rather harshly behind him, abandoning a rather baffled Sirius and a suspicious James alone.

Upon entering the dormitory, he glanced at the lump that was Peter Pettigrew in the bed nearest his, then shook his head. Wormtail never remembered to close the curtains, and he always drolled and snored in his sleep-while a sturdy mate, he wasn't exactly the greatest of dormitory partners-leaving it near impossible for him to fall asleep. James and Sirius never struggled with sleeping through the disturbances, and Remus figured they wouldn't wake up if the Hogwarts Express itself had crashed through the school's walls.

He climbed into the four-poster bed and yanked the curtains closed. Hopefully, the other Marauders would take it as a hint that he wanted to be left alone, regardless of how futile any efforts of sleeping would be.

As the werewolf lay awake in bed, various ideas waltzed around in his mind, and he tested each one with disdain, knowing they were pointless to even begin to envision...and yet, he couldn't help himself.

For once, Sirius would ask him what was the matter. Sirius would be the one to notice, not James, and for whatever reason, James and Peter would be off somewhere, and it would just be the two of them. At first, Remus would never tell him, but then Sirius would say something about putting his one-night-stands behind him, about meeting someone whom he really felt he loved, or maybe he'd say something about his sex-addiction and how he thought he was recovering and how it was all for someone else, and that the ironic thing was that the person wasn't even female-and then Remus would look up at him in surprise, gazing into that dreary gray stare while neither dared to speak, as doing so would shatter the world and disturb the moment-before softly brushing his lips over the other's. Neither would know who'd kissed who first, but that wouldn't even matter, because with that one kiss, they'd release _years_ of built up sexual tension, and after that, they could be together, always.

Except that would never happen, because Sirius was just about as gay as Remus was vampiric.

The thought conjured a pang of sorrow in Remus' gut that he simply had no word for. Of all the people he could've fallen in love with, and it had to be a straight, reckless, impulsive, oblivious, too-punk-to-love-you, sex-addicted man.

But he was still easily his best friend, and nothing would ever change that. Of course, that was half of the problem; Remus wasn't sure how the other Marauders would react, and that's only _if_ they ever actually had a relationship. He didn't want to dwell on the thought.

It was almost impossible to think about anything else as he lay awake, waiting for the sound of Peter's insufferable snores to lull him to sleep. It seemed as if his entire life had morphed into one ceaseless waiting room, always sitting around and staring at the far door in the back of his mind with a fading hope that someone would enter.


End file.
